Do you think that if these people gained their desires they would be happy? If they possessed all, would that suffice? No, they would still find some excuse for unhappiness; all these excuses are only like covers over a man's eyes, for deep within is the yearning for the true happiness which none of these things can give. He who is really happy is happy everywhere, in a palace or in a cottage, in riches or in poverty, for he has discovered the fountain of happiness which is situated in his own heart. As long as a person has not found that fountain, nothing will give him real happiness.
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
the primary mission of the spiritual forces that oppose holiness is to make a person depressed. Once in a state of depression, whether a person realizes it or not, a person is in the dominion of those energies and is thus very vulnerable to their influence.
Thereupon, meditate upon the Compassionate One. Remember. Then, as said above, gusts of wind, and icy blasts, hail-storms, and darkness, and impression of being pursued by many people will come upon thee. On fleeing from these [hallucinations], those who are unendowed with meritorious karma will have the impression of fleeing into places of misery; those who are endowed with meritorious karma will have the impression of arriving in places of happiness.
Then, what is this experience which we are calling happiness? This so-called happiness is only a faint reflection, a little spark of the brilliant sun of bliss which is hidden within. This is only a shadow of that eternal bliss that is waiting to be exposed. He who is unattached to the external world and its objects, and is attached to the inner Self, will attain supreme happiness, which is everlasting. The more you seek what is true and lasting, the more you go nearer to the source of supreme, everlasting Bliss, which is within you.
Happiness is the deferred fulfillment of a prehistoric wish. That is why wealth brings so little happiness: money is not an infantile wish.
What is happiness? The feeling that power is growing, that resistance is overcome.
When the images of earth cling too tightly to memory, when the call of happiness becomes too insistent, it happens that melancholy arises in man's heart: this is the rock's victory, this is the rock of Sisyphus. The boundless grief is too heavy to bear. These are our nights of Gethsemane.
resources are valueable.

what simple christians we are

W7 Shitter Moth
Mon May 14th
9PM - av space

the days go by most famously. strange feelings start to bubble. static in the mind gets built up. have to balance the charges. left and right makes negatives positive. shift the charge to positive. hopeful idealism can make wild dreams real. bringing the inside out. falling in love makes strange bubblings. the mind boiling in tussin stew. a brown and sticky ooze. the headventures of onironauts. brown boring package makes the message go down like butter.laughter is the greatest medicine. open the heart to reveal pulminary arteries. Up to knees in pyrexia stew. rectal thermometer burns. the draft of the tussin stew. a new pair of pants, never been came in. I was waiting for the sun to come in, but the sun never came. I see the laughter and the fire. Everything was going well, but it was just on the outside. On the inside there was a deep pit. There were two deep pits and a bird flying around. I can see and breathe and I can even interact with my surroundings. everything's okay even though it's not okay. tomorrow is my inside day. i won't be going outside except to say hi. or something like that.
Outkast - Unhappy Lyrics
Drowning in the gray cell
To dwell in earthly hell
A pimp warrior fell
One-two! Sir Lucious Left Foot in the muthafuckin' booth!
Lucious! (Lucious!) Sir Lucious Left Foot has just entered
Might as well have fun `cause your happiness is done and your goose is cooked!First rule in this thang, never let `em see you sweat!
Never let `em be a threat and your feelings you must protect `em!
As well as your rectum! Must keep self out of harm, out of danger's way
Let strangers play while you graduate and move on!
True happiness is not acquired and you won't find it for sale
Unless you're in jail and trying to get a bail bondsman to go on and post that bail
You would be happy as hell! You thought you was happy until that court date came
Couldn't abort that case, nobody to take your place
Family home at stake, too late to escape and get on the run!!
One upon a rhyme, one time when I was a child (Flip that smile upside down now!)
When I found out that Santa Claus was nothing more than Vanilli
It was silly, `cause my mom and pop they worked for every penny!
Didn't have many, but had enought to get by! Enough to get fly!
Only to start on New Year off in debt now you forget
Your happiness came and went
Like mom and dad's realationship, take a trip
You got the potato chips? I'll bring the hot sauce!!
1979 Dirty South, Local Lounge (Flip that smile upside down now!)
I never thought that alcohol could ease the notion of the sadness
Now what used to be a happy home done turned into some bad shit!
Graphic language, mild violence and the silence of the fams!
No members to remember, but I know just who I am
I've grown into a man and like my nigga said we executed the game plan
`Cause we got that hot sauce!!!!

my friend's dad suggested this group to me. graham nash was in the hollies before csny. they wrote hits such as bus stop and long cool woman in a black dress...

in the dark a path was lifted. a path was lifted in the dark. i could hear someone sighing. i could hear someone comforting. in the dark a sigh was lifted and the comfort was beginning to heal me. in the light i saw it happening. and gloriously it was happening. in the fog the dark was lifting. and the path was set quite clearly. in the fog the path was lifting. like a gift the fog was lifting. and i saw frog quite clean making faces on the surface. the frog was a prince with a voice quite enchanting. he sang me the dirges native to the country to which he was heir. then a voice was shouting: GET OUT GET OUT and suddendly the frog became a perfect image of me. i was startled and curious, but my legs made me run. and run. and run. i ran so far that my lungs were leaping out of my throat. i made fun of the ground below me. i told it not to curse me. i withdrew the contents of my stomach account. i had an accountant account for everything. it was all drawn up very legal. legal and relaxed. protection under the amendments. i was in the clear. i was finally in the pink. making sense and relaxing. it all would not last long. i began to fear. i began to panic and again to run ][ and to run. and to run. i had to run as long as my legs were attached. i couldn't think of what else to do. they were there. i had to use them. i couldn't let them go to waste. if i did they would get rubbery and flabby. i would over consume in my infinite excess. my beautiful excessiveness and my incessant chaos. responding and communicating with zeal for the lord. making every word worth it, even the ones i don't say. making it all fun and loud again. to lose my self in myself. to walk deeper into the woods. and then walk deeper. and then walk deeper. until i can no long find my way home. i know not whether it is daytime or nighttime. is there a search party out for me. search party sounds like such a fun thing. i wish i could participate in a search party . there seems like a lot of comraderie and goody-goodyness. really happy go lucky stuff. like: it's gonna be okay. we'll find him. don't worry. i'll hold you in my arms while you cry. it's gonna be alright. we'll all be alright in the end. you'll see. everything's gonna be just fine. and it would all go like that. and then they'd finally find me after like forty days or something and i would have eaten raw rabbit meat and pinecones with only my k-mart golf knife. like the pioneers. like a real american hero. like an all american survivalist. and then they'd find me and i'd be severely psychologically disturbed, but we'd all cry and celebrate and get really drunk and talk long into the wee hours of the early morning. then we'd all go to be in our sleeping bags right there on the floor of the ranger station. and we'd all say goodnight real tender like. we'd all be huddled together for warmth because it was a very cold night that night. but we were happy and warm all huddled together with a fire going in the fireplace, barely flickering now, just some hot coals, and the wine and beer from local vineyards and microbreweries in our bellies. then the next morning we'd wake up bright and early and the sun would kiss our faces as we rose and we'd make coffee and pancakes for everyone right there in the bbreak room at the ranger station. then we'd go to work chopping the place down. this was to be the last day for this particular ranger station. it was to be torn down and never to be used again due to budget cuts. the cb radio had been pawned by the ranger a few months prior. he bought his wife a rememberance necklace with the money. it was engraved with a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke. she was having an affair and when he gave her the necklace she cried. if we love the people we love why do we do things we know will hurt them? anyway, he had no idea about the affair, but he found out the same day he found out that his station would be closed due to budget cuts. he was pretty bummed that day, but then he heard that i had gone missing and it gave the boys one last thing to rally around. so they all felt good trying to find this missing wierdo. it was a search party for christs sake. anyway, when they found me, well they decided it was time to tear the old station down. it brought closure to the whole thing. and after that the ranger and his wife went to couples counseling. they were able to work things out for the childrens sake. well, i never thought i'd say this, but some stories do have happy endings after all. there is a whole spectrum of human emotion. jung was wrong about love and fear. or maybe he was right. wait what was that he said again?

AUGER:
Saturday, June 9, 9pm Charalambides, GHQ Soundlab
Monday June 18th with EAMES ERA and EXIT CLOV at Bug Jar

I was worshipping the ghost of somebody that had passed. she was dressed in white satin. i shifted my gaze. i was ashamed.

goodnight and i would come over and i would be with you in all my days and dream of you in my endless sleepless nights while i labor over finance and this hole i've dug for myself as this shit hits the fan and i'm no longer an acceptable human being only slug on earth with grains of salt the flat earth of the great salt lake granulated in graciousness with poise and grace and always with pride never caffiene but enthusiasm and pride not lonely but alone

ever find it hard to say what you mean? Aren't you glad our boys are fighting the good fight? Everything's okay as long as yr okay and I'm okay. I'm not okay. The kingdom is coming and I'm going to drive there a long way in my car. My car is important and expensive. I don't have any dollars so don't ask me to drive. I'm going to drive anyway, but the gass is under the seat and I'm sitting on the time. The seat keeps kicking me. I keeping having to get up and empty my bladder. Now I would love to sleep. Time is making me weary. Every hour that ticks away is one less that I have to take care of my problems. But my problems can't be fixed. I'm doing nothing tonight. I'm doing nothing. Breaking away and breaking. Burning the toothpick bridges. Blowing the card towers. I'm rising on lead wings. Singing a tinny song. The flight and the subtlety. The angels in their places. All with wings and ribbons. Singing happy happpy song. To the length of the forever place. Such a long road and narrow too. To the length of the final place. Where no bones will rust and nothing will stay stale until the end. The ending place where a whisper can mean everything. Blind boy behavior. The blindsided broadside. The broad blindness and the alterations and altercations of deftly swimming in the pool of coal. Long road and empty bridges. Don't leave me alone. The blind sided blind boy leaves his home and finds all homes empty. One - the truth becomes too much infinity two - the branches of the trees shudder with enthusiasm in the wind three - the definitive versions surface after much speculation four - a crossing guard holding a crucifixion cross - the sacred heart auto club jesus lift me from this land and make me green again. allow me to meet my brothers in the promised land like i did in all those pages of years. make me more devout and more pious. grant me wisdom like the deer with head of angel. and a few of my own wings wouldn't be bad either. i want to whisper in the darkest shadows to spirits that aren't there and not fear. i want to sing the altercated anthems of the war in heaven. Judge me that I may bear fruit and not be a fruitless servant. Judge me for my sinfulness and deliver me from myself. Give me the tears of eternity that I may drink and find youth again. Bless this day and this one and that. Make the soul a real and living thing walking in step with your wind. One down foot right left and thus it goes. Clop clop and on and on the shoes make their sound on the ground. Tromp and the crowd gathers to witness the commotion. Oh gloirious attention. Oh holy ineffable attention. The lights of attention that burn too bright in my dialated eyes. Oh don't look at me, don't see me. Don't let me see you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to know you. I want to be alone. Leave me alone. I was feeling the spark of a light socket in the back of my neck. I was feeling sparked and unambitious. Someday I'll make someone very happy. But right now I'm no good to no one. You shouldn't even come near me. I'm just unhappy. I'm a horse with no saddle. Ride me until my back breaks. Then cook me on the spit and dismember me. Swallow my flesh piece by piece. I'm still riding. I'm still riding. Riding down the road to the kingdom.Verse 1
I need thee every hour, most gracious Lord;
no tender voice like thine can peace afford. Verse 2 I need thee every hour; stay thou nearby; temptations lose their power when thou art nigh. Verse 3 I need thee every hour, in joy or pain; come quickly and abide, or life is vain. Verse 5 I need thee every hour, most Holy One; O make me thine indeed, thou blessed Son.
Chorus I need thee, O I need thee;
every hour I need thee;
O bless me now, my Savior, I come to thee.
I'm bleeding with the blood of Jesus. I'm weeping the tears of Jesus. I'm overturning the tables of the money changers.

Real excited about this: The Return of El Topo and The Holy Mountain
Unseen on the big screen in the US for many years, two of the early 1970s most awe-inspiring cult classics have returned in new 35mm prints provided by ABKCO Films. Alejandro Jodorowsky’s El Topo (screening June 15 & 17) and The Holy Mountain (June 22 & 24) both use hallucinatory visuals to tell stories of spiritual quests and skilled warriors who wish to become gods. John Lennon and Yoko Ono were the first to spread the word of Jodorowsky’s special brand of movie madness and the films gained most of their initial exposure at special midnight projections. The Dryden will screen the films at more accommodating hours.

If yr heart is large enough there is nothing it will not accomodate.
- Sufi proverb

I went to a show at the av space last night. It wierd, quiet. I had the poisonous seeds in my belly and was feeling in rare form. I had to gather my wits in the car. Then I got all too drunk and drove my self home without saying goodbye to anyone. Lately social interactions have been leaving me disappointed and discouraged. In the past I used to live for them. I used to think that my life would be okay if I just had enough friends. I guess it's hard to like other people when you don't even like yrself. I mean, it's not that I hate other people, it's just that I feel way too much pressure around them. I don't feel like I can ever be myself. Not necessarily that I have to be cool, but I at least have to be interesting. The last thing I want is to be boring. Anyway, I think I might go to this show: Dr. Hamburger Presents: Pit Er Pat [ Chicago, Illinois], White/Lichens, Science vs Witchcraft Sat May 5th 9PM - $7 at av space but I don't know if anyone else is planning on going. I don't know if I'll have fun, but it's something to do and the music seems cool. Why doesn't anyone have fun anymore? Is it because of the PATRIOT ACT? Is it because now we're all scared?

the magic members of the sacred trust

let a machine tell you what to think

I think tomorrow morning I'll get some glory. I hope the government isn't reading my thoughts. RIP Kurt.

drinking coffee. up all night. no phone calls, no emails.

Sat. June 9th, 9pm: Charalambides and GHQ with Auger at Soundlab

I'm afraid to look in the mirror
Who is that in there?
I'm afraid to go outside
Who's out there?
It's late.