"If you know that I am an unbeliever, then you know me better than I do myself. I may be an unbeliever, but I am an unbeliever who has a nostalgia for a belief."

- Pier Paolo Pasolini(1966)

Well, it appears someone already has the name Dorian Gray so I've got to change mine. This Dorian fellow sounds kinda like a gothic Boy George. Ahh well, so what should my new name be. I was thinking something like Sgt. Pepper and shit, like Captain Shortfeet and the Schitzophrenic Jukebox, but not that. That's just off my head. Maybe something like General Happy and the Box of Evil Spirits. I don't know, but I think maybe it should encorporate the concept of a box somehow. That way it can also be a metaphor for my 4-track.
Been watching Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.

lately i've only been sleeping about five hours a night. i think it's my meds.

For my daughter;
Why must every generation think they're folks are square?
And no matter where they're heads are, they know mom's aint there.
Cause' I swore when I was small, that I'd remember when,
I knew what's wrong with them, that I was smaller than.

Determined to remember all the cardinal rules.
Like, sunshowers are legal grounds, for cutting school.
I know I have forgotten maybe one or two.
And I hope that I recall them all before the baby's due.
And I'll know he'll have a question or two.

Like, hey pop. Can I go ride my zoom?
It goes twohundred miles an hour, suspended on baloons.
And can I put a droplet of this new stuff on my tounge?
And imagine puffing dragons, while you sit and wreck your'e lungs.
And I must me permissive, understanding of the younger generation.

And then I know that all I've learned, my kid assumes.
And all my deepest worries must be his cartoons.
And still I'll try to tell him all the things I've done,
relating to what he can do when he becomes a man.
And still he'll stick his fingers in the fan.

And hey pop, my girlfriend's only three.
She's got her own videophone,
and she's taking LSD.
And now that were best friends, she want's to give a bit to me.
But whats the matter daddy? How come your'e turning green?
Can it be that you can't live up to your dreams?
- John Sebastian

why doesn't anyone wear colorful shirts like they did then? why isn't it cool to love anymore? much safer to be frigid. don't get frost bitten. the cold won't last long. someday we'll get back to the garden. i hope we get there in time for the younger generation. i wish our minds could offer them a glimpse of hope. but our whole lives our experience has been a joke. we struggled and we trip over our disappointment. we pick ourselves up and understand. we've skinned our knees and now we don't remember how to stand. so what is it we're offering to our kids. is it a life of disappointment or the fullfillment of dreams?

I have a Dr.'s apt. today. MAybe that'll fix me.

well, what can i say folks. i've been a little down lately and yes anti-social. i don't know why now and why it's been so intense, but i've really felt it. perhaps its the pain of kali's knife. didn't sartre say it is necessary to experience some nausea before redemption through beauty. it's hard to me to see the beauty right now. oscar wilde said, 'we're all in the gutter, but some of us can see the stars.' well, i'm looking up, but it must have been a cloudy day. I'm becomming more humble though. Learning not to victimize myself all the time. Like a dervish, I'm waiting in the doorway, sitting on the threshold. I've been reading more. I think I need to begin the path of initiation. This time of desperation and reflection is necessary. Learn all you can by yrself until you can go no further. Then a teacher will guide you. Well, my confidence in my own wisdom is lower that it's ever been. I've been afraid to admit that I know nothing. I felt it would take some power away from me, but I'm realizing that it is the one thing holding me back from the true power of god."When you are guided to this pathway, take the opportunity to feel yourself part of Allah's continual, creative expression, which carves out new realities each instant through an abundance of forms." I am an empty vessel. Fill me with beauty and knowlege and love. I am lost. Find me. Well, this saddness will not last. Every moment is passing away.

This World Which Is Made of Our Love for Emptiness

Praise to the emptiness that blanks out existence. Existence:
This place made from our love for that emptiness!

Yet somehow comes emptiness,
this existence goes.

Praise to that happening, over and over!
For years I pulled my own existence out of emptiness.

Then one swoop, one swing of the arm,
that work is over.

Free of who I was, free of presence, free of dangerous fear, hope,
free of mountainous wanting.

The here-and-now mountain is a tiny piece of a piece of straw
blown off into emptiness.

These words I'm saying so much begin to lose meaning:
Existence, emptiness, mountain, straw:

Words and what they try to say swept
out the window, down the slant of the roof.
- Rumi

The Jack and Jim Show - Think 69
Friday September 21 - 8pm $10 donation
Bop Shop Atrium

Demons and Wizards Dancing in the Grass Fighting Over a Piece of Bread Upside Down are performing at Nietzsche's in Buffalo on August 1st as part of Infringement Fest.



http://www.armory.com/~thrace/sufi/poems.html