well, what can i say folks. i've been a little down lately and yes anti-social. i don't know why now and why it's been so intense, but i've really felt it. perhaps its the pain of kali's knife. didn't sartre say it is necessary to experience some nausea before redemption through beauty. it's hard to me to see the beauty right now. oscar wilde said, 'we're all in the gutter, but some of us can see the stars.' well, i'm looking up, but it must have been a cloudy day. I'm becomming more humble though. Learning not to victimize myself all the time. Like a dervish, I'm waiting in the doorway, sitting on the threshold. I've been reading more. I think I need to begin the path of initiation. This time of desperation and reflection is necessary. Learn all you can by yrself until you can go no further. Then a teacher will guide you. Well, my confidence in my own wisdom is lower that it's ever been. I've been afraid to admit that I know nothing. I felt it would take some power away from me, but I'm realizing that it is the one thing holding me back from the true power of god."When you are guided to this pathway, take the opportunity to feel yourself part of Allah's continual, creative expression, which carves out new realities each instant through an abundance of forms." I am an empty vessel. Fill me with beauty and knowlege and love. I am lost. Find me. Well, this saddness will not last. Every moment is passing away.