MTV by me:

‘Truth has come and falsehood has vanished.
Falsehood is always bound to vanish.’

Louis Wain

Well, sometimes the pressures of this world get so great that it makes it nearly impossible to see the light.There are miracles all around us and lately I've been ignoring them. I got into a pretty good conversation with this girl on the street today. She was really nice to me and we talked and it was really cool. I told her my name and she told me hers, but I don't know why I didn't give her my phone number. I guess if I'm ever gonna get married or whatever I ought to start giving out my phone number.Well, saddness can be productive, but so often it is not. So often it turns me into a lazy alcoholic: "My Grandad has just been hospitalised on account of his alcoholism. My Nana had been looking after him, but she can't really cope anymore. He'd gotten to the stage where he was too weak to stand up, because he just spent all day sitting in his chair drinking whiskey, and the muscles in his legs had completely wasted away. He was also severely malnourished." I really don't think I'm gonna do much work today. To took a Klonopin earlier in the day to get rid of my little freak-out at having believed that I had lost my credit card, my paycheck, my daughter's diaper bag and my friend's camera. Luckily all things were found and I was able to calm down for a time, but the panic did cripple me for a period. I had to not leave the house for a moment until the Klonopin kicked in and then I felt that I had the strength to deal with what I had to deal with.

I'm not necessarily totally in agreement with this, but it is interesting. I think that psychiatric drugs are helping for now so I say if it feels good do it. God knows I've already done enough damage to my nervous/endocrine system alreay, maybe a little chemical thereapy is what I need. My thing with it is that they take so long to work that you have to basically be addicted to an SSRI before you can even feel any effects from it and benzodiazepines are very risky because of thier high incidence for abuse. The Lexapro started to do really wierd things to my head at first like insomnia and strange dreams, but it seems to have gotten better now that I think I've gotten used to it. The Klonopin seems to soften some of those effects, though, especially when it seems like my anxiety gets even worse due to the Lexaprol

Why Psychiatric Drugs Are Always Bad
by Douglas C. Smith, M.D.
I no longer recommend psychiatric medications to anyone.

This seems radical in this country because we are in the midst of the "biological revolution." Everyone seems to assume medications are are specifically effective for various mental illnesses which are at least in part chemical or genetic in origin. I believe the science behind this is seriously flawed. It is based on false assumptions that lead to self-perpetuating mythology (and huge profits for drug companies).

I first gave up on tranquilizers, then antidepressants, then all psychiatric drugs. I learned that there are certain general principles that govern all psychoactive substances and biologic treatments.

General Principles:
(1) "Mental illnesses," even severe ones, are relational (I'd say spiritual as well). Psychiatry, by focusing almost exclusively on biology, is making itself increasingly irrelevant.
(2) Psychoactive substances provide at best, temporary relief, but always make things worse in the long run. They make things worse directly (chemically) and indirectly by distracting from the real issues.
(3) All psychoactive substances have rebound and withdrawal-related problems. "Relapse" rates, in general, during withdrawal from psychiatric drugs, are about 10 times higher than would be expected if the drug had never been taken.
(4) "All biopsychiatric treatments share a common mode of action -- the disruption of normal brain function" (Peter Breggin, M.D., Brain Disabling Treatments in Psychiatry, Springer Pub. Co., 1997, p. 3). Drugs never correct imbalances. They never improve the brain. They "work" by impairing the brain and dampening feelings in various ways.



"Ok, so let's look at this problem from several angels. As mental illness and obesity (which is related because it is an eating disorder) are two of the most common preventable ailments in our society -

Activist perspective:
http://www.madpride.org/
http://www.mindfreedom.org/
http://www.stopshrinks.org/
http://www.prozacspotlight.org/
http://www.thomasjmoore.com/pages/depress.shtml
http://www.socialaudit.org.uk/
http://www.zmag.org/disabilityrights.htm
...

Law Enforcement and Sociology:
http://www.jaapl.org/cgi/content/full/33/1/42
http://consensusproject.org/issue-areas/law-enforcement/
http://www.karisable.com/crmh.htm
http://www.psychlaws.org/new!/mental.pdf
http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/18/2435/mental-law-eyes/
http://panicdisorder.about.com/cs/anxietymoreinfo/a/povertyrisk.htm
http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/001514.html
http://www.masspsy.com/leading/0506_ne_cover_study.html
http://www.apa.org/releases/lowses.html

Religious:
http://www.psychservices.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/52/5/660
http://althouse.blogspot.com/2005/07/religion-and-mental-illness.html
http://walloworld.com/?p=327
http://www.psywww.com/psyrelig/index.htm


These articles are somewhat more enlightening than those one by the head shrinks:
http://sandra.stahlman.com/schizo.htmlamong members of some cultural groups, “visions” or “voices” of religious figures are part of normal religious experience. In many communities, “seeing” or being “visited” by a recently deceased person are not unusual among family members.
http://spiritualrecoveries.blogspot.com/2006/05/azure-its-religious-experience-not.html


http://ucsub.colorado.edu/~sawilson/">

"If you know that I am an unbeliever, then you know me better than I do myself. I may be an unbeliever, but I am an unbeliever who has a nostalgia for a belief."

- Pier Paolo Pasolini(1966)

Well, it appears someone already has the name Dorian Gray so I've got to change mine. This Dorian fellow sounds kinda like a gothic Boy George. Ahh well, so what should my new name be. I was thinking something like Sgt. Pepper and shit, like Captain Shortfeet and the Schitzophrenic Jukebox, but not that. That's just off my head. Maybe something like General Happy and the Box of Evil Spirits. I don't know, but I think maybe it should encorporate the concept of a box somehow. That way it can also be a metaphor for my 4-track.
Been watching Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.

lately i've only been sleeping about five hours a night. i think it's my meds.

For my daughter;
Why must every generation think they're folks are square?
And no matter where they're heads are, they know mom's aint there.
Cause' I swore when I was small, that I'd remember when,
I knew what's wrong with them, that I was smaller than.

Determined to remember all the cardinal rules.
Like, sunshowers are legal grounds, for cutting school.
I know I have forgotten maybe one or two.
And I hope that I recall them all before the baby's due.
And I'll know he'll have a question or two.

Like, hey pop. Can I go ride my zoom?
It goes twohundred miles an hour, suspended on baloons.
And can I put a droplet of this new stuff on my tounge?
And imagine puffing dragons, while you sit and wreck your'e lungs.
And I must me permissive, understanding of the younger generation.

And then I know that all I've learned, my kid assumes.
And all my deepest worries must be his cartoons.
And still I'll try to tell him all the things I've done,
relating to what he can do when he becomes a man.
And still he'll stick his fingers in the fan.

And hey pop, my girlfriend's only three.
She's got her own videophone,
and she's taking LSD.
And now that were best friends, she want's to give a bit to me.
But whats the matter daddy? How come your'e turning green?
Can it be that you can't live up to your dreams?
- John Sebastian

why doesn't anyone wear colorful shirts like they did then? why isn't it cool to love anymore? much safer to be frigid. don't get frost bitten. the cold won't last long. someday we'll get back to the garden. i hope we get there in time for the younger generation. i wish our minds could offer them a glimpse of hope. but our whole lives our experience has been a joke. we struggled and we trip over our disappointment. we pick ourselves up and understand. we've skinned our knees and now we don't remember how to stand. so what is it we're offering to our kids. is it a life of disappointment or the fullfillment of dreams?

I have a Dr.'s apt. today. MAybe that'll fix me.

well, what can i say folks. i've been a little down lately and yes anti-social. i don't know why now and why it's been so intense, but i've really felt it. perhaps its the pain of kali's knife. didn't sartre say it is necessary to experience some nausea before redemption through beauty. it's hard to me to see the beauty right now. oscar wilde said, 'we're all in the gutter, but some of us can see the stars.' well, i'm looking up, but it must have been a cloudy day. I'm becomming more humble though. Learning not to victimize myself all the time. Like a dervish, I'm waiting in the doorway, sitting on the threshold. I've been reading more. I think I need to begin the path of initiation. This time of desperation and reflection is necessary. Learn all you can by yrself until you can go no further. Then a teacher will guide you. Well, my confidence in my own wisdom is lower that it's ever been. I've been afraid to admit that I know nothing. I felt it would take some power away from me, but I'm realizing that it is the one thing holding me back from the true power of god."When you are guided to this pathway, take the opportunity to feel yourself part of Allah's continual, creative expression, which carves out new realities each instant through an abundance of forms." I am an empty vessel. Fill me with beauty and knowlege and love. I am lost. Find me. Well, this saddness will not last. Every moment is passing away.

This World Which Is Made of Our Love for Emptiness

Praise to the emptiness that blanks out existence. Existence:
This place made from our love for that emptiness!

Yet somehow comes emptiness,
this existence goes.

Praise to that happening, over and over!
For years I pulled my own existence out of emptiness.

Then one swoop, one swing of the arm,
that work is over.

Free of who I was, free of presence, free of dangerous fear, hope,
free of mountainous wanting.

The here-and-now mountain is a tiny piece of a piece of straw
blown off into emptiness.

These words I'm saying so much begin to lose meaning:
Existence, emptiness, mountain, straw:

Words and what they try to say swept
out the window, down the slant of the roof.
- Rumi

The Jack and Jim Show - Think 69
Friday September 21 - 8pm $10 donation
Bop Shop Atrium

Demons and Wizards Dancing in the Grass Fighting Over a Piece of Bread Upside Down are performing at Nietzsche's in Buffalo on August 1st as part of Infringement Fest.



http://www.armory.com/~thrace/sufi/poems.html

Lunatics unite! Be proud of who you are! The best help is the help you can give to yourself. Be free and full of cognative liberty. It is not you who are sick! It is our society that is ill equipt to support the needs of complex humans.

Tomorrow! Saturday, June 9, 9pm, $7 Charalambides, GHQ, Auger Soundlab Buffalo

The whiskey fueled invocation breathes the hot breath of Lucifer. The eyes seeing only darkness, the spiritual forces making desperation swell. A time will come when the stairway to ascention from this sorry state will be made aparent. Perhaps even when incarcerated one can appreciate the beauty of creation. My soul has become incarcerated in the hell fire of the drugery of daily life. Have I no recourse? How to defend from these dark forces that drag my soul to the earth.