"...the mere gaze of an object cannot engage us (completely). Each look flows into a careful examination, each examination into a meditation, and each meditation takes us into a connection. With each attentive look into the world we already begin to theorise about it. If the abstractions we fear is to be harmless and the experience we hope for is to be real and useful, we need to engage skilfully with consciousness, self-reflection, a sense of freedom, and - to use a daring word - a sense of irony."

Johann Wolfgang Goethe
preface of ‘The Theory of Color’
Anyway, instead of Seabreeze I'm going to go to the conservatory and then I'm going to have a concert in Highland Park underneath the statue of Goethe at around 5pm. Then I'm going to go see Grizzly Man at the Eastmanhouse at 8pm. And then around 10pm or so I'll be going to Lux.

phallus mausoleum:


the goldem sun licks sugar off my lips
and feeds me the wine of life
but the vessel is old and soon will burst

Instead of going to Seabreeze I'm going to see this movie at the Eastman House

The House on the Rock
Karl Junker
Neuroscience Art Gallery
Henry Darger



The word psyche is defined in the Oxford English Dictionary as butterfly.














Barong Gamelan

Google Conspiracy

I was gonna go to seabreeze on my birthday, but I found out it's closed that day. The Fair even ends on sept. 3. Damn. Oh well, I guess it'll have to be Coney Island in My Mind.
The pennycandystore beyond the El
is where I first
fell in love
with unreality
Jellybeans glowed in the semi-gloom
of that september afternoon
A cat upon the counter moved among
the licorice sticks
and tootsie rolls
and Oh Boy Gum

Outside the leaves were falling as they died

A wind had blown away the sun

A girl ran in
Her hair was rainy
Her breasts were breathless in the little room

Outside the leaves were falling
and they cried
Too soon! too soon


some more dangerous links:
Unification Church
The Palm Tree Garden of Philip K. Dick
Crop Circles
DREAMS OF THE GREAT EARTH CHANGES
Pieman
Dextroverse
Seven Seals
12 Tribes
ConspiracyWeb - The Web Site for Paranoids
Xenu
Jeff Rense
David Icke
The Great Illusion

My birthday is on September the fifth (yeah, it's the same birthday as Dweezil Zappa)
2007 for Virgos:
OVERVIEW: Maintaining positive friendships and close personal relationships is a high priority for practical Virgo this year. Your family and home life will be a source of great happiness and pleasure as you spend time building good relationships. You share your opinions openly and honestly. Surrounded by inspiring artistic people, you will have a desire to express your own creativity. Variety and versatility give you the urge to take up many different skills.

As you move into the brand new year, you'll keenly observe the world around you and uniquely express it through creative avenues. You are a wonderful artist and could easily make art into a career in the coming months. Everything your awareness touches becomes a field for your intellectual attainment. Your desire to express your artistry could expand into exhibiting your work at public art events. Culture and the theater will give you hours of relaxation. Great transformations will happen when you have creative opportunities. Whether you are in a leadership position or amongst influential friends, your awareness of connectivity impacts those in your circles and opens them to sharing common goals and objectives.

You are a healer at heart, and would do well in the healthcare field, perhaps teaching people to maintain a positive self-image through artistic creativity. Later in the year, make sure to take more time for walking in nature, gardening, relaxing in health spas -- places where you can freely connect with your deepest self. Your spontaneous and impulsive nature makes for a very physically active year. You love sports, dancing and other physical activities, which will keep you feeling young and vibrant. - - - - Maybe I should go into art therapy!

My Type is
INFP
Introverted Intuitive Feeling Perceiving
Strength of the preferences %
67 50 38 89

the ghost becomes a lamb and the lamb becomes the goat and the goat eats the heart of the king whose jester laughed himself to death and all the prisoners were freed everything petty and everything with gravity all is lost the light escaped



02 The Ox in the slaughter house moans
03 The Dog at the wintry door
04 And he wept. & he called it Pity
05 And his tears flowed down on the winds

06 6. Cold he wander'd on high, over
07 their cities
08 In weeping & pain & woe!
09 And where-ever he wanderd in sorrows
10 Upon the aged heavens
11 A cold shadow follow'd behind him
12 Like a spiders web. moist, cold. & dim
13 Drawing out from his sorrowing soul
14 The dungeon-like heaven dividing
15 Where ever the footsteps of Urizen
16 Walk'd over the cities in sorrow.

17 7. Till a Web dark & cold, throughout all
18 The tormented element stretch'd
19 From the sorrows of Urizens soul


the lamb becomes a dove becomes a snake becomes the snake that bites the heel
nothing is lost no light has escaped

Auger played at 99 Custer st. in Buffalo on August 20th with Tenement, Catacombs of Rome, and Red Tag Rummage Sale. We'll be playing next Thurs. the 30th at the Bug Jar with Science vs Witchcraft and these bands? SUNBURNED HAND OF THE MAN, APOSTLES OF THE HIDDEN SON, PENGO (all of whom are awesome so if it's true that'll be great, I wasn't informed that they would be there but that's what I got off the bug jar's website - if all these bands are playing i don't know how we're gonna have time to play too and have everyone done before 11 when the dj thing happens there)
Then we're playing on Wed. September 26th with Kelli Shay Hicks at the Funeral Parlor (address unknown at this time)

awesome video, awesome song, awesome band: Animal Collective - Peacebone...

I'm gonna check myself into to the looney bin soon. It's been getting harder and harder to cope with life. Sunday morning I fell asleep at the wheel and hit a parked car. I could have been killed, but I was okay. Ever since then I've been crying every day. People around me have told me they've been disturbed by my speech and actions. That's embarassing to me. I'm not a scary person, at least I don't think of myself as one. I met a guy the other day who was very nice and we had a great conversation. I saw him reading on the porch and asked him what he was reading and he said The Amazing Laws of Cosmic Mind Power and so we started getting into a conversation about spirituality and it turns out we have a lot in common. It was great. So I made a new friend just off the street. I think life should be full of more moments like that. I guess that was my silver lining in this cloud of depression. I'm a nice, approachable person, but then I get too needy. I need more from a relationship than I have to offer, that and my strange ideas about creativity/spirituality creep people out sometimes. Listen people! A change is coming. Sylvia Browne says the veil is thinning. The tides are turning. Saddness and despair is the first step on the journey.

Ok, I'm playing at Steel Crazy on the 30th. and then Forgotten Figures/Demons and Wizards is playing without me Thursday, July 26, 7 PM (during Kickoff Party) at Staples and then Wednesday, August 1, 7 PM (during “Organic Acoustics” showcase) at Nietzsches and then Josh Strauss is doing a live painting Sunday, July 29, 2 PM at College Street Block Party

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain

I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,
And Mourners to and fro
Kept treading--treading--till it seemed
That Sense was breaking through--

And when they all were seated,
A Service, like a Drum--
Kept beating--beating--till I thought
My Mind was going numb--

And then I heard them lift a Box
And creak across my Soul
With those same Boots of Lead, again,
Then Space--began to toll,

As all the Heavens were a Bell,
And Being, but an Ear,
And I, and Silence, some strange Race
Wrecked, solitary, here--

And then a Plank in Reason, broke,
And I dropped down, and down--
And hit a World, at every plunge,
And Finished knowing--then--

-- Emily Dickinson

Infringement Fest News

Aparently I'm scheduled for this:

but we'll have to see if I can get the day off of work

Dorian Grey and

Genre
live music
Description
None provided.
Admission
TBA
Venue
Steel Crazy

and the aparently I'm either playing or a tape of my accompaniment is playing these shows:

Forgotten Figures Falling Together Between Two Twigs

Presented by Joshua Strauss including recorded sound by dorian gray

Genre
live music
Description
The blend … experimental protocol music … multitude that the sound can only perform.

Thursday, July 26, 7 PM (during Kickoff Party)

Venue
Staples
Admission
Free

Wednesday, August 1, 7 PM (during “Organic Acoustics” showcase) featuring dorian live

Venue
Nietzsches
Admission
Free

Monday, July 30, 7:30-8 PM

My friend Ian played Boulderfest and I was gonna go but I was too tired since I had done an overnight and not slept. I wish I would have gone, but I'm already exhausted as it is and I showed up late to work.

Tomorrow! starting at 12 and going until 3 Art Walk Muse-A-Thon

This year's artists are:
Courtney Gruttadauria, Lisa Romanowski, James Sturtevant, James Dziubaty, Jordan Kroll, Maia Woluchem, Jolene Beckman, Kim Lesslie, Mary Beth Dolan, Elizabeth Papp-Stinson, Lynda Begy, Javier Colon and Shamara Proctor, Kate Lipsky, Karen Schneider, Michelle Brock, Sara Dankert and Jane Gefell, Karen Scibetta, Mollie Wolf with the Bahai Community, Nitza Nater Arvelo and Orlando Ortiz, Kris Dreessen, Adrien Tucker, Karin Staples, James V. DeLucia and Jen Vanden Bosch,

Joshua Strauss

, and Harold Copp.
Yours truly will also be assisting Mr. Strauss with his showing of his work as well as perhaps some performance

Also a sidewalk chalk party is gonna be happening so bring the kids.

MTV by me:

‘Truth has come and falsehood has vanished.
Falsehood is always bound to vanish.’

Louis Wain

Well, sometimes the pressures of this world get so great that it makes it nearly impossible to see the light.There are miracles all around us and lately I've been ignoring them. I got into a pretty good conversation with this girl on the street today. She was really nice to me and we talked and it was really cool. I told her my name and she told me hers, but I don't know why I didn't give her my phone number. I guess if I'm ever gonna get married or whatever I ought to start giving out my phone number.Well, saddness can be productive, but so often it is not. So often it turns me into a lazy alcoholic: "My Grandad has just been hospitalised on account of his alcoholism. My Nana had been looking after him, but she can't really cope anymore. He'd gotten to the stage where he was too weak to stand up, because he just spent all day sitting in his chair drinking whiskey, and the muscles in his legs had completely wasted away. He was also severely malnourished." I really don't think I'm gonna do much work today. To took a Klonopin earlier in the day to get rid of my little freak-out at having believed that I had lost my credit card, my paycheck, my daughter's diaper bag and my friend's camera. Luckily all things were found and I was able to calm down for a time, but the panic did cripple me for a period. I had to not leave the house for a moment until the Klonopin kicked in and then I felt that I had the strength to deal with what I had to deal with.

I'm not necessarily totally in agreement with this, but it is interesting. I think that psychiatric drugs are helping for now so I say if it feels good do it. God knows I've already done enough damage to my nervous/endocrine system alreay, maybe a little chemical thereapy is what I need. My thing with it is that they take so long to work that you have to basically be addicted to an SSRI before you can even feel any effects from it and benzodiazepines are very risky because of thier high incidence for abuse. The Lexapro started to do really wierd things to my head at first like insomnia and strange dreams, but it seems to have gotten better now that I think I've gotten used to it. The Klonopin seems to soften some of those effects, though, especially when it seems like my anxiety gets even worse due to the Lexaprol

Why Psychiatric Drugs Are Always Bad
by Douglas C. Smith, M.D.
I no longer recommend psychiatric medications to anyone.

This seems radical in this country because we are in the midst of the "biological revolution." Everyone seems to assume medications are are specifically effective for various mental illnesses which are at least in part chemical or genetic in origin. I believe the science behind this is seriously flawed. It is based on false assumptions that lead to self-perpetuating mythology (and huge profits for drug companies).

I first gave up on tranquilizers, then antidepressants, then all psychiatric drugs. I learned that there are certain general principles that govern all psychoactive substances and biologic treatments.

General Principles:
(1) "Mental illnesses," even severe ones, are relational (I'd say spiritual as well). Psychiatry, by focusing almost exclusively on biology, is making itself increasingly irrelevant.
(2) Psychoactive substances provide at best, temporary relief, but always make things worse in the long run. They make things worse directly (chemically) and indirectly by distracting from the real issues.
(3) All psychoactive substances have rebound and withdrawal-related problems. "Relapse" rates, in general, during withdrawal from psychiatric drugs, are about 10 times higher than would be expected if the drug had never been taken.
(4) "All biopsychiatric treatments share a common mode of action -- the disruption of normal brain function" (Peter Breggin, M.D., Brain Disabling Treatments in Psychiatry, Springer Pub. Co., 1997, p. 3). Drugs never correct imbalances. They never improve the brain. They "work" by impairing the brain and dampening feelings in various ways.



"Ok, so let's look at this problem from several angels. As mental illness and obesity (which is related because it is an eating disorder) are two of the most common preventable ailments in our society -

Activist perspective:
http://www.madpride.org/
http://www.mindfreedom.org/
http://www.stopshrinks.org/
http://www.prozacspotlight.org/
http://www.thomasjmoore.com/pages/depress.shtml
http://www.socialaudit.org.uk/
http://www.zmag.org/disabilityrights.htm
...

Law Enforcement and Sociology:
http://www.jaapl.org/cgi/content/full/33/1/42
http://consensusproject.org/issue-areas/law-enforcement/
http://www.karisable.com/crmh.htm
http://www.psychlaws.org/new!/mental.pdf
http://www.healthcentral.com/depression/c/18/2435/mental-law-eyes/
http://panicdisorder.about.com/cs/anxietymoreinfo/a/povertyrisk.htm
http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/001514.html
http://www.masspsy.com/leading/0506_ne_cover_study.html
http://www.apa.org/releases/lowses.html

Religious:
http://www.psychservices.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/52/5/660
http://althouse.blogspot.com/2005/07/religion-and-mental-illness.html
http://walloworld.com/?p=327
http://www.psywww.com/psyrelig/index.htm


These articles are somewhat more enlightening than those one by the head shrinks:
http://sandra.stahlman.com/schizo.htmlamong members of some cultural groups, “visions” or “voices” of religious figures are part of normal religious experience. In many communities, “seeing” or being “visited” by a recently deceased person are not unusual among family members.
http://spiritualrecoveries.blogspot.com/2006/05/azure-its-religious-experience-not.html


http://ucsub.colorado.edu/~sawilson/">

"If you know that I am an unbeliever, then you know me better than I do myself. I may be an unbeliever, but I am an unbeliever who has a nostalgia for a belief."

- Pier Paolo Pasolini(1966)

Well, it appears someone already has the name Dorian Gray so I've got to change mine. This Dorian fellow sounds kinda like a gothic Boy George. Ahh well, so what should my new name be. I was thinking something like Sgt. Pepper and shit, like Captain Shortfeet and the Schitzophrenic Jukebox, but not that. That's just off my head. Maybe something like General Happy and the Box of Evil Spirits. I don't know, but I think maybe it should encorporate the concept of a box somehow. That way it can also be a metaphor for my 4-track.
Been watching Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.

lately i've only been sleeping about five hours a night. i think it's my meds.

For my daughter;
Why must every generation think they're folks are square?
And no matter where they're heads are, they know mom's aint there.
Cause' I swore when I was small, that I'd remember when,
I knew what's wrong with them, that I was smaller than.

Determined to remember all the cardinal rules.
Like, sunshowers are legal grounds, for cutting school.
I know I have forgotten maybe one or two.
And I hope that I recall them all before the baby's due.
And I'll know he'll have a question or two.

Like, hey pop. Can I go ride my zoom?
It goes twohundred miles an hour, suspended on baloons.
And can I put a droplet of this new stuff on my tounge?
And imagine puffing dragons, while you sit and wreck your'e lungs.
And I must me permissive, understanding of the younger generation.

And then I know that all I've learned, my kid assumes.
And all my deepest worries must be his cartoons.
And still I'll try to tell him all the things I've done,
relating to what he can do when he becomes a man.
And still he'll stick his fingers in the fan.

And hey pop, my girlfriend's only three.
She's got her own videophone,
and she's taking LSD.
And now that were best friends, she want's to give a bit to me.
But whats the matter daddy? How come your'e turning green?
Can it be that you can't live up to your dreams?
- John Sebastian

why doesn't anyone wear colorful shirts like they did then? why isn't it cool to love anymore? much safer to be frigid. don't get frost bitten. the cold won't last long. someday we'll get back to the garden. i hope we get there in time for the younger generation. i wish our minds could offer them a glimpse of hope. but our whole lives our experience has been a joke. we struggled and we trip over our disappointment. we pick ourselves up and understand. we've skinned our knees and now we don't remember how to stand. so what is it we're offering to our kids. is it a life of disappointment or the fullfillment of dreams?

I have a Dr.'s apt. today. MAybe that'll fix me.

well, what can i say folks. i've been a little down lately and yes anti-social. i don't know why now and why it's been so intense, but i've really felt it. perhaps its the pain of kali's knife. didn't sartre say it is necessary to experience some nausea before redemption through beauty. it's hard to me to see the beauty right now. oscar wilde said, 'we're all in the gutter, but some of us can see the stars.' well, i'm looking up, but it must have been a cloudy day. I'm becomming more humble though. Learning not to victimize myself all the time. Like a dervish, I'm waiting in the doorway, sitting on the threshold. I've been reading more. I think I need to begin the path of initiation. This time of desperation and reflection is necessary. Learn all you can by yrself until you can go no further. Then a teacher will guide you. Well, my confidence in my own wisdom is lower that it's ever been. I've been afraid to admit that I know nothing. I felt it would take some power away from me, but I'm realizing that it is the one thing holding me back from the true power of god."When you are guided to this pathway, take the opportunity to feel yourself part of Allah's continual, creative expression, which carves out new realities each instant through an abundance of forms." I am an empty vessel. Fill me with beauty and knowlege and love. I am lost. Find me. Well, this saddness will not last. Every moment is passing away.

This World Which Is Made of Our Love for Emptiness

Praise to the emptiness that blanks out existence. Existence:
This place made from our love for that emptiness!

Yet somehow comes emptiness,
this existence goes.

Praise to that happening, over and over!
For years I pulled my own existence out of emptiness.

Then one swoop, one swing of the arm,
that work is over.

Free of who I was, free of presence, free of dangerous fear, hope,
free of mountainous wanting.

The here-and-now mountain is a tiny piece of a piece of straw
blown off into emptiness.

These words I'm saying so much begin to lose meaning:
Existence, emptiness, mountain, straw:

Words and what they try to say swept
out the window, down the slant of the roof.
- Rumi

The Jack and Jim Show - Think 69
Friday September 21 - 8pm $10 donation
Bop Shop Atrium

Demons and Wizards Dancing in the Grass Fighting Over a Piece of Bread Upside Down are performing at Nietzsche's in Buffalo on August 1st as part of Infringement Fest.



http://www.armory.com/~thrace/sufi/poems.html

Lunatics unite! Be proud of who you are! The best help is the help you can give to yourself. Be free and full of cognative liberty. It is not you who are sick! It is our society that is ill equipt to support the needs of complex humans.